Hello World!

I'm baaaa-ahhhhhck.

Oy, and it feels good, although not as creepy as Flynn Rider in that gif.  What has kept me away?  Well, as my last entry may have hinted: thesis. But guess what?!?! 

After doing this for a month: 

I have completed my graduate thesis, all 220 pages of it. (script, budget, marketing plan, cast/crew, and END NOTES--which are the worst)

(this is all six copies I had to turn in)

Now, I just have to wait for my oral defense (in two weeks). In the mean time, I'm on the look out for a job. So if you see one laying around, send it my way. 

In the meantime, I'm flirting with like 6 projects (2 features, 2 pilots, 2 books). As I've mentioned before, I've got commitment issues.

Thesis.

If you've ever had to write a thesis you know pure and absolute joy and pure and absolute pain. Wait, no one told you thesis writing wasn't the most fun thing you've ever done in your life?

WHAT!?!?!

But seriously now, I'm in grad school and I'm almost done! (my last year) But before we break out the confetti and the cake (or rather cupcakes) there is this big bad thing called thesis.  Thesis in my program while a complete pain is also sort of completely and totally filled with awesome. It's what happens when you got to film school.

Our thesis projects must either consist of a TV show or a Film (if you choose film you may not write it, TV however you may).  So of course I've chosen TV.  One because I absolutely LOVE it. I probably watch more TV than is healthy. In my class and at my last internship, the name of the game was find a TV show Gretchen does not watch. It's hard.  But it can be done.  Two I absolutely want to write TV and work in TV and sort of just surround myself with books and TV.

It's a great thing that my TV does not take up that much room. The same cannot be said of my book obsession, even with e-reader Saira on the job.

But like any good type-A personality, I've already started my thesis.  I'm knee deep in stuff. TV Bible. Outline. Leave-behind. Outline. Marketing ideas. Outline. Character bios. Did I mention outlining?

Oy outlining. For those who know me well you know I've never EVER been one to outline. I'm more of the ocasional post-it kind of girl.  TV however is not done with the ocasional post-it. No ma'am, do not pass go do not collect $200 until you have outlined.

I sort of want to pull my nails out.  And then again I sort of don't.

Outline is one of those things that's a lot like writing, in that everyone must find their own way of handling it.  There are ways of outline just like there are ways of writing.  I've been smacking my head against the outline until finally my friend suggested I outline the "procedural" plot and build around that.

It worked like Pixie Dust, I was up and at 'em before I knew what happened.  Now I'm back with the other plots and am about to start digging through all of the other scenes ferreting out all of the other plots.   You see TV shows are strictly divided up into four basic plot lines in every episode. So I've tamed one--mostly.  Now it's on to the other stuff, luckily it's all falling into place.

I am a....writer....oy.

So I've been a writer in the sense that I think things up and then commit them to paper for years. Like years (code for I have forgotten the exact time this started.)  But what's funny is that I've sort of kept it in a box. Like a box you bury deep in the back of your closet so no one has to see the stuff you keep in it sort of box.

I wrote things down but I did not tell anyone in my "real" life that I was busy writing things down. It was always that thing I did late at night or in notebooks or in places where people who knew me could never see it.

That is all a changin'.

Because my career goal to be a TV writer or a novelist, or a feature writer. Basically what I am getting at is that I am going to be a writer. It's not just a dream that will someday happen it's got to happen.

Now that the "career" part of my life is out of the way, it's time to make the second step.  Taking that box out of the closet and letting out that thing I've kept closed up.

It's a strange thing to go to parties with my family or talk with my old friends. Strange because I'm now telling them, I'm going to be a writer. I used to keep everything all boxed up because I didn't want people to think I was foolish.  I grew up in a small town and people from small town Kansas, just did not become writers of any kind.  We became teachers, and farmer, and maybe there was the odd doctor or lawyer, but we did not become writers and we certainly did not move to California with the intention of becoming writers.  It was a fine dream but there was always the practicality of living to consider. More often than not, practicality won out.

The strange thing is that fear and anxiety I thought would happen. And more importantly that feeling that people would think I was dreaming the impossible dream, did not happen. I have officially been introducing myself as Gretchen Schreiber--writer for several months now.

I've broached the subject with my parents.  It was sort of like telling them I'm not going to medical school all over again. And surprisingly (to me at least) they were like "Duh. Of course you are."

"...." that was my response. Actually the more accurate response would be this: o_0. My parents were completely chill.

My friends? Did not think I was some sort of freak. They thought it was "cool." That I was having some sort of mad adventure that they wanted to be apart of...

Suddenly, my entire fear network, because that's what it had become in my mind. A network of fear.  Fear that I might have to tell people I want to write things down. That I might have to admit that I was more afraid of admitting this to myself, than of admitting it to my friends. I was just displacing all that fear of my own failing to other people.  So much self-examination....it's good for the soul.

Anyway the point of the story is: Hi, my name is Gretchen Schreiber and I want am going to be a writer.

Oy.

Pie Baking

Digging.  Drill down.  Go deeper.  These are all words/phrases/things I've typed in critiques. It's my short hand for: you're only scratching the surface, but there's big oil reserves down there.

It's also something that I myself have had to come and face. Not just in my writing but in a personal level.

There were some not so good days this week. They are not writing related, and I've come to term/dealt with them, so I'm cool.  Am I going to tell you the gory details--of course not.  However, I have learned not to shy away from unpleasant emotions. Just because something makes us unhappy does not mean we do not talk about it. Not that every subject needs to be full of negativity, but everyone stumbles and has a weak moment.  This week has been mine. (It's only Tuesday I realize--that tell you something about how my week has been?)

But I will say these words, drill down/digging/go deeper are a better way of dealing with/discussing  anger/fear/hatred/frustration/love than anything I have yet to find.

I was busy trying to explain my situation to a friend via gchat and he stops me to ask what made me type some of the things I've said.  I give him some of the answers, but he stops me again and says, no that's not what I meant. Why do YOU say these things? Why do YOU feel so strongly about this?

My friend forced me to go down past the surface level emotion--anger, and delve into why I was angry.  Not the situation, but my emotions that led to me being angry. I feel that I'm mucking this up.  But what I have learned is that most of these surface layer emotions are always backed by deeper more personal emotions. I wasn't just angry--oh I thought I was--but I was not.  I was hurt, I'd lost something I dearly wanted, I felt betrayed.  All of these emotions were baked in a pie and covered by a crust of anger.  Without that tasty filling, the pie crust doesn't have legs on which to stand.

He also forced me to look at a lot of my own "demons" surrounding the subject. As I started to sit down and write I find that I too am starting to unpack/drill down into my characters emotions. Not asking what makes them angry--but what is that anger covering.  That's where the real drama is. Because the filling is way more satisfying than the pie crust.

Musical Mondays

More ear food on this bright Monday Morning.  Today's musical stylings are brought to you by the wonderful artist Ellie Goulding.

I sat here trying to remember how I came across this wonderful artist and it took me a good five minutes, because she's been in my life now almost two months. Her CD Lights is pretty much the only stuff I listen to on my commute to work in the mornings.  

Then I remembered I discovered Ellie on facebook, because a random friend was listening to her on Spotify and I had nothing better to do than look her up on youtube and take a listen.  Little did I know this would lead me to immediately purchasing her CD.  

Today's number however (I should warn all of you Americans, this song is not available in the US, I know it's a crime) is not on Ellie's CD Lights.  I should also say there are two version of a lot of her music.  There is the acoustic and then the electronic. Both are fabulous, I am just showing you the acoustic version today, but look her up!

Title: Wish I Stayed
Artist: Ellie Goulding

Lyrics (azlyrics.com)

Why can't we speak another language, one we all agree on?
Why and when men look outside, do they see houses,
Instead of the fields they grew from?
We are constantly uprooted from them, making us tiresome and fearful,
Can you get up right now? Endeavour to free-fall.

'Cause you can fall if you want to, it's just a matter of how far,
You've treasured your home town, but you've forgotten where you are.
And it will stay with you until you're mind's been found,
and it has been found wondering around.

With that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn't give up hope.
It's the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed.

Patterns all arranged in my background,
It's pillars and posts keeping this country on form.
Letters were all sent with no addresses so that people can't discover.
We're always undercover.
Why do I always draw triangles instead of words this paper so deserves?

'Cause you see,
I don't own my clothes but I own my mind,
And it's not what you've lost,
But it's what you find.

We found that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn't give up hope.
It's the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed.

'Cause you can fall if you want to, it's just a matter of how far,
You've treasured your home town, but you've forgotten where you are.
And it will stay with you 'til you're mind's been found,
and it has been found wondering around.

With that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn't give up hope.
It's the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
Now, I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed.

Finding Center

So I love the film Center Stage. Yes I know it's cheesy, corny, and the acting can sometimes be questionable, but I love it anyway. It's one of those films that makes me stop whatever I am doing and sit down and watch.  No matter what, I will watch this film if it is on TV.

One of my favorite scenes, besides all of the dance sequences, comes at the end of the film. Eva, who's bad attitude at the beginning of the film put her on bad terms with the artistic director, is alone practicing.  She's frustrated because she didn't get the big part, that her director hates her, that she'll never get a job. Then enters her teacher, Juliette Simone.  Eva complains and Juliette tells her something important. A good dancer will always come back to the barre. Other dancers will complain, they didn't like, I should have gotten this, but good dancers come back practice because it is one more time they get to dance.

I love this scene, it can be corny but I love it because I feel that's how you need to describe yourself as an artist. No matter what you return to your art.  You get a bad review, you come back to the blank word document. A CP doesn't like something, you re-evaluate and try to see what they see. An agent sends you a form rejection, you take it and write another day.

I'm not saying it won't hurt like hell, because I can tell you it feels like a punch to the gut.  It feels like you might be a failure.  It feels bad.  And no one likes to feel bad about a piece of their soul.

The important thing is to come back. Nothing should keep you from opening that word document, scrivener, celtx, finaldraft.  Not anyone's comments because believe it or not, you wrote something and it was probably really good in some spots and probably could have been better in others (yes, we must admit our failings).

When I studied physical theater in undergrad, they always focused on the importance of your center of gravity. For women, it's right above the hips. If you focus on this spot while trying to balance, it makes balancing easier.  For me the freedom of a new project is just like finding my center. No matter the stuff I've dealt with that's tipped me over, or made me lose focus, I can center myself again by focusing on a new story, a new set of words. My writing life is not built around others reactions to my work, although I love to get the good reviews, but there are also the critiques of what I need to work on.  So find your center, your barre, your blank page, the one thing that makes you focus back to your writer and makes it easier to deal with all of the crazy stuff.

Do you have a center point for your creative self? Something that helps you deal with all of the crazy stuff? Tell me about it, leave a comment!

Musical Mondays

Shuffling through my iPod I thought this week, Musical Monday, would feature a song that has had a TON of impact on my current MS Infected. 


The story behind this song is really simple. I heard it in a film trailer, looked it up, fell in love. I pretty much am in love with every song I own, so this saying will populate Musical Monday posts like no body's business.

This song I should mention is like one of five on Infected's playlist so I hear it a lot. I like it because I feel this is a conversation my characters would have with each other.  Every time I listen to it, my characters just wake up and start moving about so I always love songs like that.

Song: Dead Hearts
Artist: Stars

Lyrics (azlyrics.com)

Tell me everything that happened
Tell me everything you saw
They had lights inside their eyes
They had lights inside their eyes

Did you see the closing window?
Did you hear the slamming door?
They moved forward, my heart died
They moved forward, my heart died

Please, please tell me what they look like
Did they seem afraid of you?
They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew

[Chorus]
I could say it, but you won't believe me
You say you do, but you don't deceive me
It's hard to know they're out there
It's hard to know that you still care
I could say it but you wont believe me
You say you do but you don't deceive me
Dead hearts are everywhere
Dead hearts are everywhere

Did you touch them, did you hold them?
Did they follow you to town?
They make me feel I'm falling down
They make me feel I'm falling down

Was there one you saw too clearly?
Did they seem too real to you?
They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew

[Chorus x2]

They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you
Now they're all dead hearts to you

They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you